11/10/12

I was raised to be and to believe in more.
But I look back on my life and I wish for more.
It's abysmal that I cant find love
But hate unconditional.
The epitome of resistance. My persistence is futile.
Everything is happening because of my past as a juvenile.
Never settled down. Always upset.
A storm. A hurricane. A blizzard. A tempest.
My eyes start to boil. My contacts start to melt.
No matter how I toil. Disappointment bled and felt.
No answer to the question. Just constant deflection.
Climbing a mountain of irony. Wrinkles that need ironing.
Pointless bliss amidst this struggle to exist
I insist there has to be more to this existence.
But nobody wants to hear this. Common Sense Fascists.
Progress moves like molasses through a brown paper hourglass.
Take ten steps on a bridge to nowhere
Father Time leaves all his children behind
With a grin and a smile. Jackass.
The Lost gods of our day lost in our own way.
Looking for a throne or just a soapbox to stand on.
Anything to breathe life and meaning into the mundane.
Anything to remove the color of life
So the truth stands tall and plain.
Because we're tired of the bullshit.
And I simply want to know
Why do we exist?

Quorizzzzzzzma

God Is Love

God is love. If that is true then love cannot be a chemically induced emotion. God is not made of flesh. We are. We dont talk about love until we feel the effects of different chemicals in our brain that we are addicted to. Literally like opiates. The idea of love without emotion is abstract to many of us. Movies and books draw us in like crack dealers to crack. The high only lasts so long and then you come back down. But it is addictive. Different people love different things different ways. How do we love something that we feel no codependency for? How do we love without emotion? Love based on the basic principle of appreciation takes time. Meditation. In our fast paced world we miss so many things. Take so much for granted. Take our planet for example. Self sustaining. Perfectly positioned from the sun and moon. Home to trillions upon trillions of life forms. Yet we take it for granted. Family. Heavily taken for granted. Our bodies. Neglected and abused. The list goes on and on. If we never slow down and learn how to appreciate what is already here then we will hit rock bottom and no form of rehab will cure us. Our existence will be futile and mundane. It is up to us to do what is contrary to the stream of society and fulfill our purpose for something bigger and real. Albeit intangible.

Little Red Corner

Sitting in the corner
Imprint of a palm
Surfacing my skull.
Memory so sharp.
Feelings so dull.
No love shown
For beige skin tones.
Enemy of the race.
Mixed and out of place.
Guilt by confusion.
Layer upon layer
Of ambiguity.
Racial illusion.
Sore thumb.
Social contusion.
Alone.
Amongst my own.

Quorizzzzzzzma

Four Years Ago...

Four years ago
The smell of change
Permeated the air
And propaganda
Was anywhere
And everywhere.
It still stinks.
The aroma of anxiety
Fueled with thirst
To control
How the masses thinks
Choking survival
From the throats of family.
Millions of dollars
Stay at the top
With foxy winks.
Trust in government sinks.
New lows reached.
The color of change bleached.
Big white lies
Make bold black headlines.
Billionaires close their eyes
So they dont see babies in welfare lines.
We've forgotten
The implicit simplicity of life.
Food. Clothing. Shelter.
And love.

Quorizzzzzzzma

FRUSTRATION

You cant bottle the frustration
And the pain.
Disappointment drowns appreciation
Under years of rain.
A storm that doesnt subside.
Thunder deafening loud.
Like everyone in heaven cried.
The blackest cloud.
Humid and morbidly dark.
Light can find no penetration.
Invisible fire lit by a spark.
Flames of internal damnation.

Quorizzzzzzzma

Fear and Doubt

If I just pick up the pen
And bottle the demon
Of procrastination
Stagnation
I win.
Full of doubt
But the words still come.
Full of faith.
Doubt is one of many ingredients.
First steps in a process.
Labor pain.
Doubt births faith
By accomplishment.
I am the challenge
To both doubt and faith.
Faith aborts doubt.
If quitters are doubtful
Then Olympians are faithful.
The faithful do not suffer
Separation anxiety
Once they break up with doubt.
A contested divorce
Based on irreconcilable differences.
Doubt is a gluey nuisance
Made from the sap of fear.


Quorizzzzzzzma

Reaction to "Act of Valor"

The following is what I wrote after watching the movie "Act of Valor". It's actually a condensed version of thoughts and emotion but I am doing this because I need to. I need to find my purpose in this life through the gift of expression...

So much of me is saying that this is unnecessary. To be writing about my feelings after watching Act of Valor.

AOV was about real naval special forces portraying actual events they have experienced. From beginning to end I was awestruck by two things. 1) The methods terrorists are willing to take to destroy me and my way of life but mostly 2) the sacrifice real men and women make protecting me and my way of life. Leaving the arms of their loved ones and returning in bags and coffins. And there is no funeral like an American Military Funeral.

I couldn't stop my tears. I cried during the movie, at the end on the way out of the theater, and all the way home. Especially significant to me also was seeing the movie with Amanda because she comes from a military family. She knows about war heroes and their funerals. She knows you arent supposed to cry.

I'm 35 years old now and about to selfishly write about childhood regret- AGAIN. NOT AGAIN. I'm 35 now. But I'd be lying if I didnt say some of my tears reflect personal frustrations that just wont go away. I have to control this anger. It is mostly directed toward my father. I feel robbed, cheated, and misguided on so many different levels. Worst of all, he made me into a much worse father than he was to me those years ago. I know I cant retaliate but I want him to know I still have a purpose and I am still strong. But I dont even know the purpose of my strength...


Quorizzzzzzzma